Hello once again to another backlog, this time… One that doesn’t have a title. Hence, it is left to be placeholder. I actually made this one in a way that I no longer do, I wrote the story without a title. Such a method is very cryptic to me now since I make up a title before I actually get into the story. Though, to each their own method since I could see, since I have done so, why writing and then figuring out a title might also work. But either way, this is another obscure piece, just like usual. Perhaps its about trying to cope with loss, or about the power of memory. Either way, here you go….
“Where am I?Is this where you are? I can’t find you. This isn’t where you are.” I felt your hand on my face, and I gasped. My eyes suddenly jolted open and I looked for your being. But it wasn’t there. No one was there. I looked down. I was the only one there. I still couldn’t find you, and I still couldn’t forget you. My head was spinning, and it took my eyes time to register what I was seeing. I was lying in a clearing in a forest. I tried to remember how I ended up there, but the more I tried the more my head began buzzing. I got up to the disdain of my muscles, and looked up with one hand above my hand to block the sun. I sighed and looked around me, trying to find some kind of clue to lead me away. I couldn’t see anything.
I chose a random direction, and began walking. My head stung every time I took a step which forced me to hold a hand towards my head. My feet began dragging, and my muscles threatened to collapse on me. Everything in my body stung, and soon enough I was brought to my knees. I struggled to get up, but my knees were shaking uncontrollably. It was then that I felt you reach for me again. Your hands touched my shoulder in comfort, but when I turned, I couldn’t see you. The shaking in my knees were gone, and so I got up and began walking again. I was still limping.
I pressed my way into the forest, brushing away branches, and making sure my step was not obstructed by rocks or bear traps. I didn’t know where I was walking to, but for some reason my legs ignored all reason, and my body kept pushing forward with a strange sense of alacrity. A howl resounded in the distance which made the hairs on my back stand, though I remained rather phlegmatic to the impending danger. I kept walking, squinting my eyes through the cracks in the tree line to see if I could see a semblance of anything to trigger my memory.
After about ten minutes of walking, I looked down, and saw an indented print in the dirt. That was when I saw you again. You fluttered as you spun and stepped as lightly as a feather on the pallid dirt. Your bright golden hair flew behind you in a wave of transcendence, and your pale white skin shone like the morning snow. But as I blinked you were gone again. And when I stepped over the prints, I noticed that they were indeed mine. You were gone, and all your sensations had left me again.
I kept walking, trying to find some way out, but by the third time of seeing my own prints, I grew tired. I decided to walk back towards the clearing, and had no trouble finding it. I sighed, and went back to the spot where I lay, and rested upon it again. I rested my eyes for a mere minute, but then I noticed a scent. It was your scent. I didn’t open my eyes, but simply let the low blowing wind drag your scent across my nose. It was a scent that I could not forget. And it was filled with the scents of grass, bark, and rotten flesh. Your scent had faded in that moment. You were gone again, and although I couldn’t see you, you were so vivid in my mind once again.
I got up from my reverie, and aptly noticed that my stomach was empty. It growled belligerently, and forced me to search a nearby bush for berries. They were black, and although I could not trust the contents within the berries, I tasted them nonetheless, and quelled my fleeting hunger. The berries were strangely addictive, and I continued eating them without regard for their potential harm, and soon enough, the taste of the black berries began diluting. The taste became bitter, and it reminded me of the way you used to burn your cookies. It was bitter, and sweet. It brought me back into your embrace, but soon, you left me again, and the taste of it was starting to become mush.
I walked back to the clearing, and laid my body back onto the grass. I watched as the clouds went by ever so slowly, and my eyes began dipping into another existence. I listened to the low blowing wind as it rode the grass and whistled ever so slightly in my ears. I listened to the sound of branches whittling in the distance, and I listened to the sound of leaves gently falling to the ground. And then your voice was muddied into those sounds. Your voice was serene and bounced into my ears like glass. It was so undeniably clear that it felt like you were all around me, it felt like your presence had subjugated all my senses. My eyes stood still on those clouds as you spoke, “Do you remember that day?” The thought of bringing back memories had made my head sting again, and so I didn’t.
“It was filled with white flowers and the low blowing wind, just like today.” Your voice threatened to lull me into a deep embrace into the unknown, but I forced myself to stay awake, for I knew that staring into the abyss would have it stare back into me. I didn’t answer either, for I knew that answering you would have you leave me again, and that I could not handle.
“Do you remember what you told me that day?” I didn’t want to nod or shake my head for I had no recollection of the events of that day you so solemnly spoke of, and anything I did would bring me out as a liar. So I listened to you as you spoke of seemingly unimaginable bliss.
“You told me that, we would always remember these white flowers, and come back to them one day.” Your words began lisping away from me, and the more I tried to grasp onto them in my mind, the more they seemed to fade. It was as if your words came to me like a waterfall. It never seemed to end and I could never cease to be amazed by them. It was like a cascading sea of stars that lit the night sky. I couldn’t respond or run from your words, and so I let them devour me that day.
“You said that you would do your best to show me everything close to you, and to embrace me the way I did you.” Your words, more than anything, gave me pain.
“And you said, that we would always be together, always by our sides, always with our hands embraced in an intertwining knot.” For some reason your words hurt me more than anything and I wanted you to stop. I wanted you to leave, for the first time since I began seeing you again, I wanted you to stop and I wanted everything to cease to exist. I didn’t want you to be with me again. My head began spinning, my eyes closed, my body struggled to move, and everything was becoming clod.
“It wasn’t a lie, right?” Everything was falling, and I screamed, I opened my mouth and screamed into the sky, listened as it echoed throughout the trees and your voice disappeared. It was gone and now I was all alone again. All to myself. You never came back to me, and I soon found myself being lulled into a deep slumber. I was stuck in my own little enclave, in my own little haven where the idea of you didn’t exist. Where you were nowhere to be found, where you could not torment me again. I was content with that.
I woke up again, in the same grass plains, and with the same plain sky with clouds overhanging me. I sighed, and walked into the forest with my head still stinging, and with my muscles barely able to keep up with me. As I stepped into the forest, and took away the first branch that groveled at my face, I noticed that the dirt beneath was filled with footprints. It was like before, but this time the footprints seemed almost inhuman. They matched my size, but there were too many and in too many places to match with what I could do in a single walk alone. My head hurt upon trying to come up with a conclusion, and so I walked back into the clearing, and sat. I sat and waited until something would happen. I didn’t know what would happen, but I wanted something to happen. I didn’t know how I had arrived, nor how I would get out. I was simply adrift in my own thoughts, and for some reason, my hands were shaking. My hands were shaking, and an undeniable longing to hold something came upon me. I couldn’t put my head around what that feeling was, but it ate at me. It consumed me, and I ran back into the forest to try and find an answer. I was looking for someone, or something, but I didn’t know what or who. I just had to find them. And that was when I saw her, the embodiment of all my pains, into a single person. I didn’t know who she was, but I walked closer towards her, and once I was close enough to distinguish any features, I noticed that she was more like me than anyone else in my head. It was like looking in a mirror, and at that moment, I smiled. It was like staring at what I’ve become, and it was like knowing that no one else in this world could compare. I held my hand out, and grabbed my own hand, and allowed that being of self-creation hold mines. The roots in the dirt then began shifting, and I felt it. They shot out of the ground as if under a spell, and began ensnarling my legs. All the while I held onto the hands of myself. Was there anyone else here with me?